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As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.

Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.